Saturday, April 11, 2015

You can't spell "Heaven" without "Evan"

So let's be honest here: If I bumped into Evan for the first time in a dark alley, I might be a little terrified.

Don't get me wrong. I love Evan a lot and I love the way he looks - I think he's super handsome; however, physically, he's a little intimidating.

At 6 feet, 3 inches, broad shoulders, and shaved head, he could easily be mistaken for a villain in an action flick - a handsome villain, but a villain nonetheless. In addition, although he's a happy guy, he rarely sports a giant grin on his face - it's more of a "thinking" face. The combination of his stature, his appearance, and his facial expressions make him Difficult to approach. And I say that in the nicest way possible.

This is why it blows my mind that little old Caymanian ladies continue to approach Ev for free car rides around the island.

On a hot windy Sunday morning before Christmas, Evan was driving home from the gym when a well-dressed older Caymanian woman flagged him down. Thinking she was in trouble, Evan pulled over and she immediately jumped into the passenger seat.

"Ok, I need to get to church!" She exclaimed confidently.

At this point Evan was about 5 minutes away from our home but he reluctantly agreed to drive her to church. It was only after a few miles that she disclosed that her church was actually 25 miles in the opposite direction. Evan sighed but figured it was good karma to assist this older woman to church a week before Christmas.

"What's your name, son?" the old woman asked Evan has he tried to remain positive during this 30 minute journey.

"Evan," he replied.

"Wow!" She exclaimed, "I was standing on the side of the road, praying to God that he would send me someone who could take me to church and he sent me HEAVEN. Obviously, it's a sign!"

Not having the heart to tell her that his name was not, in fact, "Heaven," Ev smiled through gritted teeth and pulled up to the woman's church.

"God Bless!" she hollered as she slammed the door.

When Evan returned that day, an hour later than expected, he was mildly annoyed. We laughed about it and figured it was a one-off that an older woman would just hop into a large white man's vehicle, and demand a ride. Well, little did he know this would become a pattern....

Two months later, Evan was packing groceries into the car at our local grocery store when a very old, decrepit, toothless Caymanian woman handed Evan her groceries and plopped herself down in his passenger seat.

"I live in West Bay," she stated.

"Are you freakin' kidding me??" thought Evan as he reluctantly began driving this woman into West Bay (the same neighbourhood that we live in).

"Okay, where do you live?" asked Evan.

"I'll tell you where to turn," she replied.

After driving for 10 minutes in a straight line, Evan informed the woman, "We've just past the football stadium, do you live near the football stadium?"

"The football stadium??" exclaimed the toothless woman in disgust, "Well, you missed the turn miles ago!"

Realizing at this point, he was in for a long drive, Evan pulled the car over and attempted to determine where exactly this woman lived. After a few minutes of chatter, it was apparent that she didn't really know. Shit.

Patiently, assuming this poor woman suffered from dementia, Evan drove slowly and stopped at each intersection, read the street names out loud to the woman, and inquired, "Do I turn here? Does this look familiar?"

Finally, the woman, who was overtly frustrated and irritated,  directed Evan to a run-down house in a very terrifying neighbourhood. At this point, Evan was concerned that, perhaps he was a victim of a scam. A scam that would leave him money-less and dead.

"Ok. Here you go," Evan stated as he opened the door for the old woman.

"Well, this is my cousin's house! You took me to the wrong house!" replied the old woman angrily as she peered out the window.

At this point, Evan was quickly losing his patience, concerned that he might be murdered and robbed and he was totally prepared to leave this angry old woman at her cousin's house to get sorted.

Finally after driving 10km/hour for 25 minutes, whilst reading each and every road sign out loud, she was able to identify her house. She slammed the door, yelling, "God Bless!" waited for Evan to hand her the groceries ("What? you're not going to carry them in for me?") and Ev drove off.

Let me tell you, when Evan arrived home an hour and a half later than expected, he was annoyed. If you've ever seen Ev's "annoyed face" AKA "look of contempt," you would absolutely know, without a doubt, that this man is not pickin' up what you're puttin' down. EEEKS! I, on the other hand, had not been a part of this um..."experience," so I couldn't help but laugh uncontrollably. Oh dear. Why? Why do these little old ladies keep choosing Evan? Doesn't anyone tell these old woman to beware the large white man with shaved head? Seriously. Stranger danger??

Ev learned a valuable lesson. From now on, the car doors are always locked, no eye contact is made in parking lots, and the "look of contempt" is the new "out in public" face. Haha!

Don't let this sweet face fool you: this is a dangerous man. Do not accept rides from him. Ever.  :)